Why is it that as we get older, the lengh of time is supposed to 'solidify' friendships but yet I feel less close to almost all my friends. I feel like this time thing we throw around along with some inside jokes and some best kept secrets mean nothing. Does it even matter that we've been tight for years?
In an awkward way, I miss the highschool-ness of friendships where it meant everything to be close to some people. I remember texting people everyday, hanging out everyday, and being there for them through everything. They were on my mind all the time, and I wouldve died for most of them. I know - die - a little intense, but I feel that is best fit to describe the gap from then to now. Pretty sad? I think so mostly due to wisdom being associated with age.... or maybe I am wiser for not holding them close?
A few friends later, my mind goes through a protection mechanism but my heart still gives thoroughly. How? I don't allow myself to be mentally dependent on someone, although I go through the motions. The motions - meaning I listen, hangout, give advice/help, and try to do my best to add people I feel best fit, as friends. Maybe I am waiting for that moment when I know to lean on them, fall back into their arms and without a shadow of a doubt, know they will catch me.
A kind of apiphany (sp?) came to me when moving my loads of shit (literally I own too much stuff) into my new apartment. As I look around, the poeple there to help on moving day, are people I met literally since I've been at USI. Granted, I know a handful of people in Mooresville that would've probably helped (outside of family) BUT my goodness. Those friends I would've DIED FOR weren't there. What does that say? Hmmm.... f..ing glad I never took a bullet huh?! (And when I put f..ing I mentally refer to my old kicka$$ boss at Munchies when he would be courteous by not cussing in front of women and bleap it out as if he was an edited cd, too cool). Even though, if I had a survey type of thing ran on me tomorrow that knew everyones heart and intentions - it would say that they are closes to me. I kind of feel bad for not feeling that connection i guess.
So anyways, guess I need to put my eggs in different baskets.
